Ministry introduces mandatory chemistry exam for weekend users

For immediate release

In a closed session, the commission for Public Health and Not Knowing decided this morning that Dutch drug users will from now on be fully responsible for the quality of their own substances. Since the state does not supply, test or label anything, users are expected to independently master analytical chemistry, pharmacokinetics and acid–base equilibria, preferably before Friday night.

“We believe in personal responsibility,” said a spokesperson. “Of course, responsibility without information is just guessing with extra steps. But guessing is also a skill.”

The new National Exam in Applied Street Chemistry covers identifying unknown white powders by sight, estimating the purity of a product whose supplier is currently unreachable, and explaining to a paramedic, in plain language, what exactly you took. Candidates who fail can retake the exam in the emergency department.

Asked why licensed pharmacists, who already hold this knowledge, could not simply check and label the product, the spokesperson called the question “dangerously normalising.”

The commission also confirmed that dealers will remain exempt from all quality requirements. “They operate outside the law, so the law cannot ask anything of them. That is the whole elegance of the system.”

Meanwhile, DIMS testing points report that the most common ingredient in seized samples remains “something else.”

Have you ever been held responsible for a product you were legally forbidden to know anything about?